Loneliness at present is my biggest enemy. That and idleness.

I am told to keep busy and that I should try and do exercise but its not always that simple. In the last month I have redecorated hall, stairs, landing, two bathrooms, and one bedroom. I have dug the garden when its sunny, and built a new flower bed edged with slate which I shaped to form the front. I was running on empty - no food, didn't ever feel hungry - mostly don't still, and just lived on survival instinct and bottles of coca cola.

Its wet and miserable out today, I have tidied a little - taken rubbish to the council tip, and done a little shopping - I laid in bed til eleven mind, had a couple of pretty dreams too. I am going to attempt to read today - I love to read but haven't finished a complete book since last August.

Winston Churchill described this as "The Black Dog" Its more like a black pit I find, dogs are nice.
Yesterday my ex wife (not divorced house not sold - limbo) Rang to say she'd been approached by someone where she teaches asking what was going on with me - why wasn't I teaching - when was I due back - did she know I was with someone else. I'd have fucking flattened them. She's upset at the moment, think the six weeks of holidays approaching is worrying her - I'd feel the same - I cant wait because it means I have S with me almost every day. S is away for two days with her sister and I'm dreading that - think I'm looking after her kids but not sure yet - somehow I'm not sure which Id prefer.

Mum and dad are away at their caravan and that little support network is noticeable by its absence. I don't like to worry them, mum especially is a real worrier - think I got a lot of my anxiety from her - hereditary ??

I have no money left this month, just bought S's birthday present - some pearls - hope she likes them, used my last little bit of credit up on my card. I need to sell the house now very badly so my finances can be sorted - I owe on a loan, two credit cards and an overdraft - selling the house will let me pay off these debts but I'll be left with nothing to show for the last 23 years of work.
Maybe I'll be able to get this fresh start off the ground finally then.

I don't want my ex to be made homeless or anything, I'm with S in her house and she's very kind but I'm too old fashioned to allow her to pay for everything so I try to contribute as much as I can when I can - but it never feels enough.

The dog is company - but I don't always have the energy to walk him, and I don't like being out in the world here in this city feel like the whole world sees me for the failure I feel I am.

I don't get depression really. Is it caused by weakness in my mental health - am I as weak as I think, or is it an illness brought on by external factors? I know I am far too sensitive. I never feel happy in my own skin, seldom look at myself in the mirror - not even to brush my teeth. I feel I don't deserve anything but unhappiness but I don't like the way I have felt/feel when I am really in the pits of this misery.

Depression when its severe as mine has been is an awful, hellish thing.
Life doesn't seem worth living, you want people to help but don't know what you want them to do. S holds me, cuddles me, tells me she loves me - that's pretty much all that's kept me alive.
I broke down at my parents at one point and cuddled up to my dad and sobbed. It was nice to have his comforting strength close to me - that moment might just have saved my life.

Suicide ? - its always been an option, but I don't want to die - I just want life to be happier. I Like life when its good. Its just got on top of me at the moment. Worse than ever before. The two anti depressants don't seem to quite work enough, its like there is a very frail paper lid on my feelings at the moment and it could blow at any moment and I'll be sobbing again.

At the present I want to be able to sleep all day til S comes home and then I can slowly open up the petals of my soul for a few hours to feel the warm glow she feeds me with.