This is a statement made by a pupil at my school in relation to what has been said about me and my illness by my head of department - she approached S and told her about it - nice dont you think???

"I was taking bags of hay to Mr B after Animal Farm, he was in his room with Mrs R (the American one), he said 'what do you know about D being off sick then?' I replied, 'not much, just what I've heard through rumours, he's T's form tutor, T said he was off with stress', Mr B said that he heard D had lost 3 stone and was really ill, I said I didn't know, I felt he was trying to get info from me, maybe thinking you (S) had told me something, I remained ignorant. He said that he thought D was putting it all on, that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was making him look like the bad guy. I said that my mum had seen Mr F a few days ago while out walking and he had been very withdrawn, didn't speak, stayed a metre away with sunglasses on. Mr B replied that he had probably sensed her coming and put the shades on to pretend to be ill. Mrs R contributed something here about the dark shades being a nice touch and along the lines of what Mr B was saying, but I can't recall exactly what she said, just put something in about him faking in a spiteful joke manner. Mr B then went on to say that D had left him to pick up the pieces of his unfinished work and his year 12 stuff. Obviously the convo was a while ago so it isn't word for word, but it was along those lines."

Loneliness at present is my biggest enemy. That and idleness.

I am told to keep busy and that I should try and do exercise but its not always that simple. In the last month I have redecorated hall, stairs, landing, two bathrooms, and one bedroom. I have dug the garden when its sunny, and built a new flower bed edged with slate which I shaped to form the front. I was running on empty - no food, didn't ever feel hungry - mostly don't still, and just lived on survival instinct and bottles of coca cola.

Its wet and miserable out today, I have tidied a little - taken rubbish to the council tip, and done a little shopping - I laid in bed til eleven mind, had a couple of pretty dreams too. I am going to attempt to read today - I love to read but haven't finished a complete book since last August.

Winston Churchill described this as "The Black Dog" Its more like a black pit I find, dogs are nice.
Yesterday my ex wife (not divorced house not sold - limbo) Rang to say she'd been approached by someone where she teaches asking what was going on with me - why wasn't I teaching - when was I due back - did she know I was with someone else. I'd have fucking flattened them. She's upset at the moment, think the six weeks of holidays approaching is worrying her - I'd feel the same - I cant wait because it means I have S with me almost every day. S is away for two days with her sister and I'm dreading that - think I'm looking after her kids but not sure yet - somehow I'm not sure which Id prefer.

Mum and dad are away at their caravan and that little support network is noticeable by its absence. I don't like to worry them, mum especially is a real worrier - think I got a lot of my anxiety from her - hereditary ??

I have no money left this month, just bought S's birthday present - some pearls - hope she likes them, used my last little bit of credit up on my card. I need to sell the house now very badly so my finances can be sorted - I owe on a loan, two credit cards and an overdraft - selling the house will let me pay off these debts but I'll be left with nothing to show for the last 23 years of work.
Maybe I'll be able to get this fresh start off the ground finally then.

I don't want my ex to be made homeless or anything, I'm with S in her house and she's very kind but I'm too old fashioned to allow her to pay for everything so I try to contribute as much as I can when I can - but it never feels enough.

The dog is company - but I don't always have the energy to walk him, and I don't like being out in the world here in this city feel like the whole world sees me for the failure I feel I am.

I don't get depression really. Is it caused by weakness in my mental health - am I as weak as I think, or is it an illness brought on by external factors? I know I am far too sensitive. I never feel happy in my own skin, seldom look at myself in the mirror - not even to brush my teeth. I feel I don't deserve anything but unhappiness but I don't like the way I have felt/feel when I am really in the pits of this misery.

Depression when its severe as mine has been is an awful, hellish thing.
Life doesn't seem worth living, you want people to help but don't know what you want them to do. S holds me, cuddles me, tells me she loves me - that's pretty much all that's kept me alive.
I broke down at my parents at one point and cuddled up to my dad and sobbed. It was nice to have his comforting strength close to me - that moment might just have saved my life.

Suicide ? - its always been an option, but I don't want to die - I just want life to be happier. I Like life when its good. Its just got on top of me at the moment. Worse than ever before. The two anti depressants don't seem to quite work enough, its like there is a very frail paper lid on my feelings at the moment and it could blow at any moment and I'll be sobbing again.

At the present I want to be able to sleep all day til S comes home and then I can slowly open up the petals of my soul for a few hours to feel the warm glow she feeds me with.

I'm not too sure about the dates, but since March/ April of this year I have been suffering from the most acute depression of my life.

45 years old, I walked out of my job which I held for 18 years, and my life collapsed around me.

Now and again I hope to be able to use this as a way in which I can creatively turn my experiences into something tangible, that maybe someone someday might recognise or find useful.

I came close to suicide on many occasions during the months leading to where I am now, but thanks to the love and support of a few very special individuals I am still here.

They know who they are - Thank you to them.
Caravaggio